The Unending Poem

It's started with I
And follow by YOU
But as it continues
I can't find YOU.

The I is now gone
To where it goes
I don't know
I hope the You still follows
For where, destiny will knows.

A period is coming
To mark the ending
But I hope it's a coma
So there would be no ending.

But when a period is followed by a dot
and another dot
what does it mean?
Is it really the end
or an unsure ending...

My Love Story

They say first love never dies

but for me it's not true.

Because if it is not true love

there will always 2nd, 3rd and fourth too.


And my first love is not my true love and so it is only a past,

that made my mind wiser and also is my heart.


And my true love came by

exceeding my expectation

Because he's not just any guy that got my attention.

He made my mind boggles and my heart throbs like thunder.

He gave me a happy smile and a peace of mind like no other.


I know this is true love

because even a simple "hi" from him makes my heart jump,

and a single day not seeing him made me want to cry.


But my mind is above my heart,

Always so cautious

Telling me not so fast.

"What if he's like the first one?

be cautious save your heart!"


And so I made a stupid decision

testing him and his love,

But at the end I'm the one tested

"He is not like that!"


So my heart overflows with love

and surpass my minds warning.

He became my world

My only true love which is everlasting.


But just like any stories

twist and conflict came by

And so my one true love

gave his farewell,

he said 'goodbye'.


And since it's true love

my world got devastated

My heart shattered in pieces

I don't know how long I can take it.


And thankful if I can say

that my mind is above my heart

And it's keep me telling

"Hey, move on you still have your life!"


I don't know how I survived

without a pulse or a beat in my heart.

Perhaps it's my mind,

I'm living without a heart.


And then our path crossed again

And I felt a small beating

I know it is my heart,

hey it's now throbbing.


And then my mind above my heart

said "What are you doing?"

For the first time,

my heart said

"I don't care as long as I am beating!"


So I disregard my principle,

my pride and my mind warning.

Just to be with him this one more time

'I don't care' as long as I can be with him.


But then again,

here he goes again

telling me to stop.

"Let's just be friend"

he said to me.

Well, how will I react.


I just smile,

an empty smile.

I think my heart

just froze.

My mind above my heart tell me,

"What else could be worst?"


And so I vowed

and conceived

as I accept his

torture truce.


My mind which is above my heart said

"Hey, this is better

friendship is much longer.

Just find another

who will love you much better."


So I did what my mind said

and find some other guy

who loves me more

but it's a mistake

a big mistake

because it made me miserable.


I can't be with someone

who will never give me a happy smile

or one who can't make my heart beats

what more to make it throb.


So I ended being miserable

and promise to myself.

If I can't be with my only true love

Never with someone else

better be his friend forever

at least friendship last longer.


And now my love story end

don't tell me it's not real

because until now I can feel

the throbs in my heart

when I received a simple "hi"

from him and only him.


He's the only one who can make me cry and laugh

at the same time.

The one who gave me nightmares and sweet dreams every night.


But I never expect anything from him as I already decided

that from this day and so on my love story is ended.

The Journey

I forgot a special chapter of my life in my post yesterday. I remember it this morning and I said to myself that I should include it. But instead of editing my post yesterday, I will just write a new post today.

The chapter I'm saying is after graduation of college, I took up a 4 months training as a caregiver in a Japanese retirement home in Laguna wherein I also have 2 months OJT (internship) in that retirement home. Although I experience a lot of confusion, rejection and disappointment, I learned a lot from them. First of all, being in a medical institution was a big transformation for me. I learned a new language (medical language), everything was new, and I learned a lot from my patients. I have a favorite of 3 patients, although all in all, I experience to tend 6 patients. They are my favorite because I learned a lot from them. The first one is a retired military man aged 79, during the first week that I was assigned to him, I really cried a lot but then we became friends and stories he was telling was really wonderful and I learned a lot of things from his experience. The second one was a very beautiful rich woman, which I always pity especially when I met her family. I know she does not deserve to be in a nursing home but I’m still glad that I met her because he reminded me to care for the elders in my family (especially to my own grandmother). The third one was a very nice Japanese woman, which was very kind and funny. She is good in English and she loves teaching me Japanese words. I really miss them and I hope that they are okay even though I’m not sure if they are still alive or not but I’m praying that GOD will take good care of them.

When I remember the things from my past even if it was not a good memory, I always look for a good thing that came up when I experienced those things. Because I know that it was GOD’s will for me to experience it and met lot of people from those experiences. That was HIS GRACE and those people were ANGELS that HE sent for ME, because I will never be the person I am right now if I did not met those people in my past. THANKS GOD! And GOD BLESS those PEOPLE I met and I will meet someday!


--Jennifer R. Natividad
September 23, 2008

The Journey of My Life

I was born in an average family with an average income and average lifestyle. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister which are more beautiful than me. When we were young, they always teased me and I became the center of the jokes in the family. But my parents loved us so much; they did everything to give us a good life (education and basic commodities). They even made sacrifices (like working abroad) just to provide us a better education and lifestyle. My siblings are my best friends, I can tell them everything (even my crushes) although we quarrel; I will still not exchange them to anyone. My two older brothers gave us 4 nieces and 1 nephew and of course 2 nice sister-in-laws.

I started to enter primary school and I encounter rejection and disappointment every time I wanted to please my teacher to give me a high grade and when I wanted to belong in a group. But I met a lot of friends and I learned a lot of things like the stars, moon and planets and plays games like piko, tumbang preso, patintero, chinese garter etc. I also have fond of laughing when my friends tell jokes and blushes when my crushes walked by.

I enter secondary school and I encounter more rejection and disappointment but I met a lot of new friends and I belong to a circle of girl friends where I felt that I am loved and accepted a lot. They are true friend that I have fond of crying and laughing with. I treasure them until today and forever as they became very good friends.

A wonderful high school life ended and a new trial is ahead when I enter college and puberty. I encounter a lot of rejection and disappointment as I strive to belong in a new world where my old friends are nowhere to found. I also encounter a heart break from the first man I loved but I learned a lot of things from my professor, from my new friends and from every people I met everyday. I learned to analyze life and society, I learned to look at different views, listen to different opinions and I learned to decide for myself. My first writing was published when I joined the college publication. Although life at my first college was neither smooth nor ended wonderfully, still I will not try to go back and change it for a better future because I will never learned and grow to a person like me today if I did not encounter all those trials, rejection, heartaches and disappointment.

So my life continues when school ended and I’m in a different world, the corporate world. My first job involved numbers, computation, analyzing and clerical work (such as scanning, photocopying and answering telephone calls). And after seven months of doing this that I don’t like to do; the repetitive scanning, counting and answering stressful phone calls, opt me to quit. And I became a quitter. But I learned a lot; the job itself, the corporate world, the people in the corporate world and I found new friends that always make me laugh and companions wherever I want to go. I also met a wonderful person which I loved so much until now.

My second job is quite an accident, it is another challenge and I encounter new rejection and big disappointment. My second jobs involves teaching but I became more of a learning teacher as I tried to teach little angels to use computer and create website, they teach me how to look back to my childhood and be fond of what I have while bringing out the child inside me. I learned to loved and be loved unconditionally. My students teach me a lot of things and even my co-teacher as I became more confident with the talent GOD gave me. And I never became ashamed to show to the world what I can do and what my brain have to say. But still the quitter emerged.

So I find a new job where I encounter more challenges, disappointments and even harassment. And now I’m thinking of quitting. But whenever I look at the bright side; to all the new things I learned and whenever I look to all the new friends I met, specially my new housemate which I gave and given me trust, companionship, friendship and love, I always felt that I am BLESSED.

I know that this journey is still a long and not an easy one, where I will encounter a lot of bumps, traffic, detour and even a closed road. But as long as I remain a PASSENGER and GOD is my DRIVER, I know that I will always be at peace because I am safe while journeying this road called “My LIFE”.

--- Jennifer Natividad---

September 20, 2008

Four Walls of Pain

I am looking at this four walls of pain
and I feel the thrust of the needle into my vein
when the antibiotic flows
but not calming my pain.

I am looking at this four walls of pain
and I am hearing the new born cries
and the weeping of painful souls
so I cover my ears.

I am looking at this four walls of pain
and I saw the worry faces
of the people coming in and out
so I shut my eyes.

This is bad,
I want to get out
I want to stop all of this
and get back to my life.

Shut me up

Unbelievable silence

Unexplainable darkness

Unforgivable place


Indefinable feeling

Ineffable emotion

Indescribable gesture


Why?

Alone

standing here
staring on nothing

And then I started to walk on an endless road
seeing black pigment around me

I hate this feeling
I don't want to remorse

but what can I do?
If all I have is me

I am so alone.